dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
