Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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