I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Say something about gay babies.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
