I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
