I just cut my nipple shaving
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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