My cat gives me a boner
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
