this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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