those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
