As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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