Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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