NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
My cat gives me a boner
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
