well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
