textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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