I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
