im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
