i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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