I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
