So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
can u get pink eye on your cock?
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize