you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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