The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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