i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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