She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
