Don't make out with my wife yet
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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