how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
