Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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