I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
