last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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