I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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