Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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