I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Randomize
