Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
