she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize