"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
