I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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