There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
