16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
His hands were made for my vagina.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
