woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
