I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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