she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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