I just threw up on my dentist
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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