U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
