you would pick up someone in the library
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
