There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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