I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Randomize
