Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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