i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
