I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
