I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
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