Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
