I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
