You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
