I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
