omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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