Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
