We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
