I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
