Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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