His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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