cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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