Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
