About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
