I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
