I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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