did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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