Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
